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Dec 18, 2009, 2:20pm

The Dwellings of an RP Nut :: Main :: SORRY FOR THE HUGE ABSENCE ON MY PART! :: The Missery that has been my life!!!!!

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Topic: The Missery that has been my life!!!!! (Read 87 times)

♥ Angel Dean ♥
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The Missery that has been my life!!!!!
« Thread Started on Jun 29, 2007, 1:45pm »

Missery loves company, hence my obsession with House!

Okay so first of, this is probably going to be one humangish update, sorry in advance, lots and lots to tell

I wanted to start this update of with a sad bit, my sweet baby, my beautiful red Persian Shira has left my life, she passed away 07-05-'07 after a long struggle with her heart that though she was medicated for sadly gave out... I will miss her so much, even her annoying meow and realize that as I write this (trying very hard not to sob cause dad is sitting just inches away) that it’s still a sore spot and it still hurts like hell to talk about it! As I felt in the last few months all I want to do right now is run and hide in my room, stop this stupid update and loose myself in something either Hugh Laurie or House did. But I know I owe a lot of people an explanation and not only that its time I finally wrote it down, so to start my real update of, a few piccies of my beautiful baby!

All three of my babies, Shira is the beautiful red one, Sunny the Grey one and Roeska the Red/white one.

My adorable little baby when she was just a baby! I had some more piclets but I lost all my documents so have to scan them in again *growls*

All Three of my babies, Shira is the redhead!

Life actually started out pretty good I finally figured out how to make a musical video and a fan video and it was easy

and a lot of fun to do... I had a thousand more idea's and other then all the hospital visits for my dad, the everlasting money problems and my sis who is actually really sick (will explain more after this piece) life was pretty good, relaxed, only thing bothering me was that I could not find a job and that my psychiatrist still had not writing a note about the relation between my mom and me so I could get the finance to go back to school. Yes it’s still something I desperately want to do, and now finally got the note so will start working on again.

Anyway it all started a little more than two months ago, my computer was really starting to bother me, always freezing, crashing, downloads were basically the only thing that worked, that and word, and then of course there was the matter of space, if you are a movie and music freak 40 MB really isn’t enough *sighs* let alone all the space the stories, pictures, work stuff and important back up and never lose stuff took up. I had that comp for well nearly 10 years and it is safe to say I was sick of it, it freezing and crashing is one thing, but that you have to format the entire computer every 6 months just to get it functioning again was a little too much for me. So while I debated where to get the money to get a new catalog, or to plain pay for it in monthly sums I saw that Shira was having breathing problems. Every now and then she seemed completely out of breath, breathing heavily or plain gasping for air. Another thing to debate about, as the episodes lasted about 5 min a day, take her to the vet or wait, no idea where to get the money to take her to the vet. But since she was okay after five min and actually ran around the house and jumped on the scratching pole I figured it was just old age or something, she was 12 after all. And her brother Roeska is 13 so she would not be the first anyway.

My sister seems to have an unidentified condition suddenly, ever since December last year she had not been able to tolerate food, threw up and nearly died from pain. She didn’t sleep for weeks at an end and completely stopped eating which resulted in her loosing over 25 kilos. After December she managed to start eating small bits, lots of fruits, and crackers with light and non fat stuff. She could not tolerate and fats or milk products and that is basically in everything. She had numerous things investigated at the hospital which resulted in the doctor telling her she was nuts and that it was between her ears. That she had to stop acting sad and just started eating again. Everyone was pissed but she lost the will to go on looking for an answer for a while and continued her eating pattern, about 3/4 fruits and 5 crackers with fish, or the fruits mashed together. She experimented a little and was send to a dieetist in hopes she could help my sis figure out what to and what not to eat. Slowly she started eating more stuff but kept losing weight. Eventually she went back to the doc who send her back to the hospital for a second opinion who in his turn got all pissed about the judgment of the latest doctor. He put his foot down on the fact that it wasn’t between her ears but more likely spastic colon (pretty much what I have but in a different way) he gave her a bowl echo but also found nothing, other than that she probably really had an intolerance to fats and milk, which yes can come up out of the blue and often disappears again within a year. So let’s hope it’s that! Up to this point it’s still a lot of testing, what can and can’t I do, she can’t go out eating, she has to check every package to see if there is any fat or milk in it, and she started drinking low fat soya milk. It’s surprising how much of that stuff is in about every piece of food, just greens and fruits don’t seem to have them, and even potato is too heavy on her stomach. It’s weird, it’s mysterious, is a puzzle, which like House I can’t stand if it’s not solved *sigh*

As for my own little puzzle, I have a clogged ear, or so it feels, as if there is a bad infection in it which isn’t actually there. It hurts too, a lot, sharp stabs of pain shoot through my right ear every now and then. And it feels like I just was in a plane, the pressure on my ear popping it, another annoying fact, the popping, it pops all day. Especially when I lie down on my right side, the pressure seems to rise in my ear, my heartbeat starts thumping in it and it pops with every move I make. If I move my jaw.. POP... if I yawn... POP... its so fricking anoying, but the doctor saw nothing out of the ordinary, everything looked fine, no infections, only thing was my throat was a little red. So he send me to the hospital, to a throat, nose and ear doctor who gave me a check up and found YEP nothing! I had a CT scan, a hearing test and a blood test to see if I was alergic to anything and two people actually looked at my nose, which was a little small but nothing bad, my throat which yes was a little red and beads still had pieces of my tonsels left (who were removed at age 10 Oyo) and my ears which were perfect, no infections, eardrums worked perfect, nothing bad to be seen in inner or outer ear. After the results came back from the tests it seemed that those two were perfect, CT scan looked clean, hearing test was perfect aside from the small difference in high tones and according to my blood work I was not allergic to anything... Which is funny because my doctor (the one who send me to the hospital) told me that just because it’s not in the blood doesn’t mean it’s there, and yes I do have hey-fever, and yes I am allergic to the sun (really annoying) and ooooh before I forget to highly perfumed things. When it’s to dusty somewhere I sneeze and my eyes water and I can name a few other things, so I definitely did not agree with him on that. But yeah since there was nothing to be found he could not do anything but he assured me that I wasn’t crazy and that just because there was no physical cause it didn’t mean it wasn’t there, not to mention he could not measure the signals my brain gave to my ears and the other way around basically meaning it could even be a neurological problem *scream*. Anyway I am going to continue searching, maybe my ears just need to be cleaned out, don’t know, I do know that if I take antibiotics that the symptoms will actually vanish for one or two weeks only to return after. So yes it’s a mystery I can’t stand and just want to have solved, infect it annoys the hell out of me that it’s not but yeah, other things to worry about too

will see doctor soon, waiting for the letter from the hospital to arrive and then it’s back, maybe he can find an underlying cause, maybe I am nuts I don’t care I just want to know what it is.

As my computer finally died all together I decided that yes monthly payments was the way to go, maybe not the best option but I can’t very well live without my computer, I could deal with just working on my laptop but the hardisk was even smaller than that of my old comp not to mention that it overheats way easier than a normal desktop and I always leave it on 24/7, I just did not trust my laptop for that, there is of course also the matter that it too doesn’t function like it should, currently has a WAY out of date virus scanner and needs to be formatted badly *snort* so I bought an from my point of view awesome 250 hard disk computer with new screen as well, only downside had vista and I heard it still had a few kinks, but yeah I could not find any without at the home shopping companies so I figured my sister’s husband could format it and put XP on it. Thankfully he did, well thankfully, the computer, or the drivers needed didnt work on XP, and after about a week of missery and not working he put Vista back on and thats when I realized it didnt have a few kinks it was created by the devil. It deleted everything, not just one harddisk no it deleted everything that was anywhere on the computer and with it all my documents, stories, pictures, work stuff, back up stuff, things I can never get back *sobs* I lost my life *screams* thankfully I had a LOT of my stories actually posted on my site, and pictures well I can always find new ones, but I also lost a whole bunch of scans of drawings that I made once but now cant find anywhere, meaning I lost those too... I am so frustrated with the stupid thing at the moment... Aside from the fact I lost my lifes work, I cant play half my games, I cant play any movies on it because the drivers for DIVX arent available for vista yet as well as half the other programmes I use... Then there is the stupid word 2007 which is more confusing then a foreign language, all in all one HUGE warning, NEVER USE VISTA, AND I MEAN NEVER! Missery is guaranteed with this stupid programme!

I had a job interview the day after I ordered the computer which I soon realized just wasn’t my thing, anyway we dropped by my aunt after the interview, had a coffee or in my dad’s case an cappuccino before going back home, to find Shira to my other shock in one of the cat baskets, her head lolling over the side and her breathing ragged and heavy. I worried, I worried a lot, so much that I took her in my arms and found her to be nothing more than a rag doll, limp unmoving, she didn’t even grip onto me like she usually did. Whenever you picked her up she always froze, afraid to fall and she gripped tightly onto you, but now she did nothing, not even meow when I touched her. I freaked out at that point, put her on the floor where she walked a few steps then fell over and just lay there on her side. I started calling around to my sister in hopes she could lend me some money but she stone cold said no, even though it was only for two days because then I would receive payment again. Then I called my aunt who wasn’t home but started with idea’s. Shira started getting worse in the meantime, as was I, I could barely see through my tears. My dad having had enough forced me in my coat stuffed Shira in my arms and dragged me to the veterinary. At which point Shira started drooling and really gasping for breath, on the whole way she meowed about twice, while I said bawling telling her not to leave me alone. I ran in to the vet, who had a patient, near screamed my cat was choking who then dragged me into a separate space, thankfully my dad soon followed. She did a checkup and told me it had nothing to do with her breathing it was her heart, she also told me right away that Shira might not make it. We left her there while they tended to her, went to my aunt because I didn’t want to go home, could not go home and my dad left me there and went home alone. I lend a shirt from my aunt cause got everything smelled like Shira, and it smelled awfully, fear, hurt, cat litter, even feces as I think she pied on me (not that I care). Safe to say I hid the shirt and my coat in the hall as I waited for news and forced some food down my throat. My dad called once, I had a heart attack but it turned out that he was just testing something. So two hours passed as we speculated how Shira was doing and my aunt reassured me that she was going to be fine. It was then that my dad’s car suddenly popped in front of the window and my world collapsed. She died, an hour after we brought her she passed away from a massive heart attack, there was nothing more that they could have done, they tried but it had been to late already. I broke down, bawled and screamed like a little girl, thank god I was sitting and thank god my dad took my cup of tea out of my hand because I am sure it would have chattered to the floor if he hadn’t. We both cried, but we had been given a choice, one I made long before she even died, choice one come and see her, and take her home with you to bury her or leave her to be dumped on a garbage pile or even processed into animal food, well they didn’t tell me the last part but I knew that LOOOOOONG before our cats even got sick O.o

So anyway of course we went to her and picked her up, heck I had it all planned out, it was so fricking weird, suddenly I turned from this sorry heartbroken excuse of a woman into a planning fury. I had to have her with me, I had to buy a BIG plant casing, I had to buy ground (I can’t bury her in my garden as I don’t have one, and hell be damned if I was going to bury her somewhere in the woods where I will eventually forget she was there, or she could be dug up by animals.) I had to get plants, red and orange like she was and I had to bury her in it and put her on the balcony so that I could see her and be with her whenever I wanted (well see her plant box and the plants in it because she is buried deep for the smell and it’s not see through cause it isn’t exactly legal to do that here). As we came to the veterinary I bawled again, having just calmed down a little, of course seeing her curled up looking beautiful but knowing she was no longer there did no good for remotely calm self. I bawled but refrained from screaming, even though I wanted too, good I wanted to destroy everything in my path, it wasn’t like I was aggressive not at all I just wanted to kill a tree or put a hole in the wall or something like that. The vet put her in a box and I suddenly realized how small she really was, just a little perfect ball, her eyes slightly open as well as her small mouth, but soft, god she was so soft even though she was already slightly rigid she was so amazingly soft. I held her all the way, only left her to buy the stuff I so desperately needed, always having one hand in the box petting her, or just holding her. We called my sis who immediately came over and found me (finally) home, Shira on the table out of the box, bawling yet again. Roeska sniffing around slightly. We both put him with her and he sniffed her shortly then moved on to the box and finally went away again. I don’t think he then realized his little sister was gone. Anyway while my sis huggled me my dad worked on the flowers and stuff and eventually took Shira away, heck I wasn’t allowed to even be there but I did understand and made no objections. Weird thing was I could not see Sunny, heck I actually despised her for still being alive even though my bond with her was and is far stronger than the one with Shira had ever been. Only thing I could think of was get away from here, but yeah with my sis who stayed a while and Shira resting peacefully on the balcony I had to stay home whether I wanted to or not. My sis left later and after dinner we went to my aunt again, neither me or my dad wanting to stay home. It was pretty late when we got back, too late to buy alcohol, yes I know getting drunk in this situation is a bad way of dealing but it’s a way and I needed it, we both did. So we went to my uncle who lives in the same apartment building as we do and borrowed a half a bottle of whiskey (oh god disgusting stuff) and of course got insanely drunk, heck I have never been that drunk cause as long as I can remember I have always been able to walk straight and now I wasn’t sure if I could even walk *grin* I could just very wobbly, honestly Jack Sparrow would have been proud. We both were drunk, and laughing, finally dealing with it. And believe it or not but the next day I felt better, no hang over and somehow I managed to deal with it. Then again when I think about it now I think I pushed it away rather than deal with it, specially seeing that I hid away in TV shows, stopped going on internet and chatted, even stopped going on the computer all together. I barely even checked my emails anymore and then only time I did go on my comp, or laptop was to see my downloaded movies and shows. I hid, like a coward, like I always do and there wasn’t a thing I could or would do about it, even if I had wanted to. And to top things of we went to the vet to have Roeska and Sunny checked out and yep like Roeska and Shira, Sunny was diagnosed with exactly the same heart problems and is now also on medication, please if there is anything even remotely close to a god out there dont take her unless you want me to come up there and rip your throat out!

As if this wasn’t enough, money problems got worse, well things get worse before they get better and the good thing was they did get better, for a while. I finally received the money I owed from the government, of course there was nothing left for me, but thankfully I also do those email payment thingies and with them I actually saved about 40 euro’s which happily resulted in me buying the 7th Harry Potter book, going to the 3th POTC movie and heck yeah heaving enough left for the 5th HP movie as well as an oldie movie I just needed to have… For all the Dutchies, remember Pompy de Robodoll well I own it on DVD *bounce* other than that money problems seem to have gone down the drain again seeing that my dad has gone to a different payment section seeing as he is fully and medically turned down for work which resulted in us loosing near 200 euro’s a month, putting us right back where we left before I finally got my right *growl* plus it means I have to start looking for a job again, and need to find something before I can go to school!

What also happened is I got new meds, which worked amazing, on my mind that is. Efexor it was called, worked brilliant for the problems coming with borderline, and it did work, I had just started taking them when things happened with Shira and yeah I calmed down a lot easier and wasn’t as quickly upset about things. However very bad thing was I was now no longer able to eat normally seeing that it caused a bad form of constipation and that has already been a huge problem for me since the day I have been born. It seemed that my bowl stopped functioning all together, no longer being able to thrust the feces out. No it wasn’t hard or erm like normally bigger then a baby it was mushy (EW I know) but I just wasn’t coming out, I no longer had the urge to go either. Well then went on for about a month until I had to come for a checkup and was subscribed Movicolon which is a powder you put in water which will increase the volume and stuff like that. Well it made it more mushy and yeah increased the volume but still now bowl movements, I had to take Bisacodyl which is a laxative and I had to take two in order to get something out and god that hurts if you take that stuff. So after having gone through another month, of pain, not eating, being constantly nauseous and what not more I put my food down, I wasn’t going through that any longer, even if they worked on my mind it wasn’t worth being mentally okay but physically a mess. So being back at yet another check up I talked about it and yeah changed back to my old meds just upped the dose a little, what happened after made me feel like House when he is of his Vicodin.
I went through withdrawal, majorly, it wasn’t like either my mind or my body wanted that drug back not at all I was glad to be rid of it, but damn the whole world started spinning, I was dizzy, could barely walk let alone walk straight without falling over. Even lying down everything was spinning, it’s like my brain was turning itself around in my head, as if I had been sitting in a spinning chair for hours at an end. With it came that if I moved it all became worse, and if I moved my head to let’s say look at the left side, my eyes would be there, but my brain would still be at the right side trying to struggle its way over to where my eyes were actually located. I figured out quickly that when I just woke up in the morning I felt fine for a little while, but the further the day progressed the worse it got, damn I felt like a freaking junky who was trying to stop coke or something it was pathetic from my point of view but there was nothing I could do about it other than lying in bed and sleeping all day, watching “a bit of Fry & Lauri” and House as soon as I opened my eyes. Well after having felt like this for a week companied with headaches it seemed to finally dissolve a little, dizziness was fading as well as the spinning and I wasn’t nauseous anymore. Then came the finally draw at 22 years of age I actually had a panic attack accompanied by you guessed it, hyperventilating O.o. I had never had that in my entire life, and it felt more like I was having a heart attack. Maybe I watched too much House MD I am not sure but I freaked. My hands were cold, and stiff, well they felt that way they really weren’t. It hurt when I made a fist and it felt like something constantly was fighting me to make one. Suddenly and out of nowhere I freaked out, no apparent reason for it. I had only been staring at my hands after all, but out of the blue I started crying, my chest started hurting, my breathing became ragged and I thought I was stroking out or something! I started walking around because my dad asked me something and I actually calmed down a little, but as soon as I sat down again everything started all over. After freaking yet again I decided to call my sister as she is into the medical world, well medical based on her work with the old folks homes and stuff like that, she isn’t a nurse but she is medically licensed. Well she told me to breath in a bag cause it sounded like I was hyperventilating and the pain actually went away and I became calm again… Weird, yeah very… I started up slightly the next day again but didn’t pull through and it also rang the end of the spinning, I still have a headache at the end of the day, and a big one forming now for spending too much time behind the computer not to mention recalling to much badness. But other than that I can say that I am beginning to feel myself again! Sort of at least as I no longer know who myself really is.

There are but three good things that have come out of this mess, I lose 11 kilos, I finally managed to stop biting my nails, don’t know how long I can keep it up but they are currently long *gasp* and I found two new obsessions, one being Scrubs and mainly Dr. Perry Cox and of course with it John C McGinley, and the other being House MD, mainly Dr. Gregory House and with it Hugh Laurie who is really, funny and musical and DAMN he can sing! *drools*.

Long enough???? Yeah I thought it was too O.o holy heck that was indeed a huge post and begads its not over yet, mwuahahahahahahah! I wanted to tell you guys about a diet I am currently following, a soup diet… Which has me eating soup, veggies and fruits for 7 days, other than that nothing and only from the 4th day am I allowed to eat bananas and drink milk (can’t have nothing but tea, coffee, water or fruit juice, all without sugar!) and from the 6th day I can finally have some meat again, be that beef, chicken or fish but nothing other than that! GOD I MISS MY BREAD AND MEAT *sobs* but it’s actually going good, it’s not like I am hungry or something the soup fills me up very good. And if it works I should have lost between 4 and 7 kilos by the end of the seven days… Mesa wonders anyway it’s the start of what hopefully will be a new food pattern with less to no candy and chips but instead with lots of fruit and so on! I will keep you guys updated on how it’s going and what I lost in the end!

That yes it’s true, finally is the end of this post, I am drained now, would not know what else to write so I am going to bury myself in a game and forget about the world of the living for a while again! Cammy sweety know that I will always be here, I hope that with this explanation you will all find it in your hearts to forgive me, yes I know I am not an easy person and that I sometimes forget there is a world around me, but all you need to do is send me a message and I will be there!

LOVE YOU ALL!

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